Let Me Clear My Throat Chakra

Let Me Clear My Throat Chakra is an amalgamation of three performance pieces about women and self silencing: Jarring Silence, Death By 1000 Buts and Staircase Wit.

Self silencing is the act of inhibiting one’s self-expression in relationships in an attempt to achieve intimacy and meet relational needs. Everyone self silences but women are more likely to engage in self silencing behaviors due to societal gender norms. In the 1980s Harvard-trained psychologist Dana Jack discovered that self silencing had a negative impact in the mental and emotional health of women but a recent study from Stanford Medicine found that self silencing can also negatively effect physical health, leading to higher rates of pain related diseases like fibromyalgia, autoimmune diseases, and an increased likelihood of heart attacks.  This is especially true for women of color who often self silence for fear of perpetuating harmful racial stereotypes.

 Jarring Silence, uses the concept of the swear jar in an effort to break this negative habit.  I labeled 6 jars with common self silencing behaviors and for 28 days, every time I self silenced, I paid fake money into the physical jars while simultaneously moving real money into savings buckets with the same labels. I posted the updated balances on my social media as well as what I should’ve said in the moment.  The idea was to curb this harmful behavior through negative reinforcement, however if the jars do not work, at least I've started saving for my future medical costs. 

 Death By 1000 Buts is a 40x40 inch image known only to me, cut into roughly 1000 squares and specifically explores one common manifestation of self-silencing: people pleasing.  As I engaged in self silencing behaviors that caused me to pay into jars, I also added a square to the wall.  The only way anyone will have seen and know most or all of the image is if I continued my harmful self silencing behavior. But if the jars worked as intended then the image will never be revealed, leaving the audience disappointed. In this way I’m exploring the dynamic of exchanging my long term health for the fleeting pleasure of others.

As an artist who generally creates work that I want other people to experience and enjoy, this felt so personal, it was nauseating. I think any one who has felt the pressure of constantly producing content for consumption can relate to this one.

The term "staircase wit," also known as l'esprit d'escalier, comes from the French phrase for "wit of the staircase". Coined by French philosopher Denis Diderot in the 18th century, it describes the phenomenon of thinking of the perfect clever retort or witty comment only after the moment to say it has passed, typically as one is leaving a gathering on the stairs.  The term has also come to mean "the thing you wish you said."

When I self-silenced, I'd make a note in my phone of what I wish I would've said in the moment.  I then posted them in weekly reels on social media. The hope was that even if I didn't speak up in the moment, that still getting it out it in some context would lessen the negative impact on my health.